Skip to main content

31Days to Keep a Tender Heart: October 5


I have a whole list of ideas to write about today, but I’m having a hard time writing anything about any of them. So, I think I’m going to write about how I’m feeling swirly and how God is teaching me to steward my heart when I feel this way. I’m hoping that if I write through them, then they will be easier to identify, understand and resolve.
I’m not sure exactly how I feel, but I know that I feel partly tired, partly fine and partly discouraged. The way that my feelings are swirling together inside my head and heart make it seem difficult to pin them down and figure out where they are coming from.

Feelings are still hard for me to identify in myself. If you’re having a feeling, then I can probably tell you what it is with little to no difficulty. But, figuring me out is harder. I think this is because I split off my uncomfortable feelings for so long. I’m learning how to recognize them now, but it’s still hard sometimes. When I have more than one feeling at the same time, I am even more confused and I think that this is part of my problem today.
This morning, I spent time being quiet and managing some details that I was behind on. This helped me to feel accomplished and pleased. This afternoon, I went to work for a few hours and it was good, but tiring. I’m now averaging 25 appointments a week, which is a huge blessing and exactly where I think that I want to be. It’s just that I’m still adjusting to the increase in time and energy spent at work and learning how to balance it well with my other desires and commitments. So, right now I feel more tired than excited and blessed.

Last night, I was catching up with one of my favorite people. She has known me for almost 10 years and is very familiar with my singleness struggle. After she listened to me talk about my family, she looked at me with kindness in her eyes and asked, “How are you doing with everyone in your family being married or almost married?”
I appreciated her question and I wanted to avoid it. I answered it honestly and said, “Sometimes it’s OK and sometimes it’s not.” I was thankful and relieved that she is so familiar with my feelings in this area that I didn’t have to spell them out yet again. But, her question has stayed with me all day today. I keep returning to it. And, I add to it, “Why am I still single?” Everyone else is married. Almost my whole family is married. Almost all of my friends are married. And sometimes it’s OK, but sometimes it’s not.

In the moments when it’s not OK, I feel discouraged. And, when I’m discouraged, I sometimes want to quit. I was driving today and I told God that I was having a hard time believing that I would ever meet someone that I would want to marry. I didn’t want to have this conversation with God because I knew that it was stemming from these swirly feelings I was having. But I’m trying to run to God, not away from Him, so I decided that I would be honest with Him about what I was thinking and feeling. I offered Him the real me and hoped that He would change my feelings and help me to receive my singleness as a gift for me today.
Later, when I was worshipping at Harvest Bible Chapel for their Sing Out Loud evening, I told God that I was sorry that my faith had been so weak and that I doubted what I cannot see or imagine. I told Him that I really want to trust Him to provide for this desire of my heart. I also asked Him to please help me persevere when my feelings get this way and to remind me to rejoice in Him so that those feelings will change.

All of the sudden, I was completely present with God and all of the people worshipping around me. I felt joy that we were all gathered together on a Friday night to sing praise to God. I felt graced with the ability to stop worrying about the future in that moment and savor the pleasure of the present. I felt God receive my swirly feelings as I offered them up to Him and exchange them for His peace. I felt Him accept me as I was, in spite of my doubts and swirly feelings, and richly bless me with His love. I felt thankful that God had given me real joy in His presence yet again.
Now, I’m back at the HOP for my first Nightwatch in a long while and I feel much better. I’m still physically tired, but praising God has really calmed my swirly feelings. I also feel affirmed in walking through this process of having lots of different feelings that I don’t understand, bringing them to Him and trusting Him to show me how to handle them well.

Still counting gifts:

·         #480: Giving myself permission not to go running

·         #481: Drinking coffee in the sun room

·         #482: Time and space for myself

·         #483: Lunch with my dad and the way that His deep faith challenges me

·         #484: God gave me energy to go to work

·         #485: How laughter at just the right moment can be very healing

·         #486: Some of my favorite left-overs for dinner
  •    #487: Lots of worship and prayer between 7:30 PM and midnight

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Heart Revival

Hey you guys,

It's been almost two years since my last post. What?!

I know some of you probably forgot that I even used to do this, but I hope that you're as excited as I am that I'm coming back to blogging. It's a new season and God has been stirring up lots of creativity and courage in me recently. I'm happy to tell you all about it.

In case you missed it, I became a mom to sweet Elias last summer. In fact, he is about to turn 1 year old on Monday and I can't believe it! Guys, he is absolutely the sweetest, calmest and most delightful baby you can ever imagine and I still tear up sometimes in gratitude when I remember that he is my little boy.

One of my life dreams to be a stay-at-home mama has been partially fulfilled in that I only work three days a week during the school year. I work 2 1/2 days at RCS Elementary School and it is an amazing place. Shortly after I got there, they put me in charge of the two chapel services that happen each week. Guess what? …

A Summer to Thrive

I am finishing my last week of my summer work hours. I have been reflecting on my summer and how I spent it.

In May, I intentionally wrote a list of hopes, dreams and goals for my summer season. I used my daring greatly manifesto from Vulnerability, Courage, Shame, and Empathy: The Living Brave Continuing Education Course. I completed Jess Connolly's Summer to Thrive: A Guide to Chilling Out and Enjoying Summer. I also spent time in prayer and asked God to give me words and ideas that would define the season.

This week, I am taking time to review these things. I am also rereading what I journaled about my actual summer. I feel encouraged by what a great summer it has been and how many of my hopes I was able to engage!





I pursued wholeheartedness in a lot of ways. I read books, I cooked and baked, I listened to music and I spent a lot of sweet quality time with people I cherish. I enjoyed time in prayer and worship each week and adopted a much slower pace of life. I asked questions …

My Arbonne Story - A journey of discovery

You guys, drum roll, please... I have become an Independent Consultant with Arbonne!

This is a big change for me and I am SO, so excited for this opportunity. But, no one seems to be as surprised as I am by this development. Most of the people that I have told have said something like, "That makes sense." Or, "I can see you doing that."This has gotten me reflecting on what has been emerging in me that is facilitating this transition. And, how does what seems like such a discovery to me seem so logical to everyone else?!

I have been an Arbonne groupie for several years now. I absolutely love their product! Every time they come out with something new and I get to try it, I end up wanting it. I have hosted several parties and I have thoroughly enjoyed introducing other people to all of the amazing products that I have been enjoying, but I never considered becoming a consultant.
Recently, something shifted for me. I was at a party and I felt really stirred when Nikki …