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31 Days to Keep a Tender Heart: October 27


I think I’ve fallen sick with rule-following again.
I hesitated to put lotion on my face this afternoon because I had already done it this morning. My rule is lotion twice a day, once in the morning and once at bed-time. Lotion in the middle of the day, even if my skin feels really dry, is against that rule. I almost didn’t put it on and was about to let my skin suffer until I realized that I was being ridiculous and I am free to put on as much lotion as I want.
I’m here at the House of Prayer for our 12 hour burn and I have hardly said two words to God. I have been too busy serving as a prophetic singer, catching up on my one-year Bible readings, taking care of administrative tasks, reading my next section of Grace for the Good Girl and now, writing. I have been really busy doing things for God, instead of enjoying His sweet presence.
I should have recognized my symptoms when I woke up at 5:30 this morning. I was sure that I am a terrible person. I felt so awful that I started trying to find sins that I could repent of so that I could feel close to God again. Even after I repented of everything that I could think of, God still felt far away and it hurt my heart. I finally fell asleep again, but I wasn’t at rest.
Then, I was singing during a watch this morning and trying to convince myself that God is always close to me, even if I can’t feel Him. I felt completely numb and disconnected. I was also nervously asking myself, “Why do I feel so bad? What is wrong with me? How can I feel close to God again?!”
Fortunately, chapter 6 of Grace for the Good Girl is entitled: the rule follower. As I read, I was deeply relieved to realize that I was striving again to please God through my works and that this explains why I have been feeling so terrible. I am not good enough to please God on my own and this is why I have been feeling such failure and hopelessness.
So, I’m done working now. I’m officially resting now. I am going to put everything away and I am going to draw near to my God. I know that He will be excited to see me and give me rest in His grace.
Still Counting Gifts:

·         #611: I am not under the law, but under grace Romans 6:14
·         #612: The righteousness of God is mine because of my faith in Jesus Christ Romans 3:21-22
·         #613: I am not competent in myself to claim anything for myself, but my competence comes from God. He has made me competent as a minister of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. 2 Corinthians 3:4-6
·         #614: I can draw near to God in full assurance of faith
·         #615: God wants to give me rest in Him

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