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Showing posts from March, 2013

Spring

One way that I know it is spring is I really want to run again. I do not like treadmills and indoor running. I like running through woods and by water. This is great, except during the winter when paths become covered by snow and ice. I know that athletic stores sell shoes with spikes for those extra committed winter runners, but I’m not really in that category. I slip and fall easily enough when snow and ice are not involved, so running when they are involved just seems unwise. As a result, I usually don’t run much during January, February and March. It is right around this time of year that I start to really miss running. I miss the way my feet pound the ground underneath me and my breath goes in and out with the fast pumping of my heart. I miss those moments when my whole body is working hard and my mind is free to engage with God, nature around me and the things that are happening in my life. Sometimes I pray while I run or sing out loud with my music. I have even cried on runs whe…

Have you ever wanted to break up with yourself?

Have you ever uncovered parts of yourself that felt so scary and painful that you just wanted them to go away? To somehow separate them from the fabric of who you are and divorce them away? I have. A lot. If I’m honest, this is actually one of my favorite ways to handle my needs and frailties. It sounds like: this need is way too overwhelming and no one wants to meet it anyway. So, I will just push it away until it doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore and I can’t feel the pain of it being unfulfilled. Or, I discover some horribly vulnerable place in my character and the exposure feels so stark that I declare, “That’s not mine! I would never struggle with that or think that or do that or say that! Not mine!” The problem is that I have become very fragmented as a result. I have feelings that get lost in my body and I struggle to find them. I have physical sensations in my body like headaches that bore right through my skull and stomach-aches that burn like fire, but I can’t tell what expe…

I want to be super human

Yes, I actually said that to Ben this week. And, I meant it. I really do wish I was more than human. I struggle with imperfections and failures and I can just feel that I was meant to live in Eden. Little did I know that in fewer than 24 hours after making said statement, I would be crying and feeling afflicted and betrayed by my incredible neediness. Any of you who have followed me previously will remember how hard it is for me to take care of myself. I prefer to deny that I have any needs at all and to invest all of my time, energy and talent into taking care of other people. You may also remember that I had never really dated before Ben. And, I am sure that all of you have noticed that we dated for only about two months before getting engaged. Let’s just say that God is using my relationship with Ben in lots of wonderful ways that encourage my sanctification. Let’s also say it that has been intensely uncomfortable for me to realize just how sinful I still am in the context of this in…