Skip to main content

Have you ever wanted to break up with yourself?


Have you ever uncovered parts of yourself that felt so scary and painful that you just wanted them to go away? To somehow separate them from the fabric of who you are and divorce them away?
I have. A lot. If I’m honest, this is actually one of my favorite ways to handle my needs and frailties.
It sounds like: this need is way too overwhelming and no one wants to meet it anyway. So, I will just push it away until it doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore and I can’t feel the pain of it being unfulfilled. Or, I discover some horribly vulnerable place in my character and the exposure feels so stark that I declare, “That’s not mine! I would never struggle with that or think that or do that or say that! Not mine!”
The problem is that I have become very fragmented as a result. I have feelings that get lost in my body and I struggle to find them. I have physical sensations in my body like headaches that bore right through my skull and stomach-aches that burn like fire, but I can’t tell what experiences they are connected to.
When I finally want to reconnect with these feelings and rejected parts of me, they are sluggish to respond, like a leg that’s been completely asleep for a while. When the feeling returns, it’s scary and painful, like emotional pins and needles, hurting me with their intensity. I’m so overwhelmed that I’m not sure I want these parts after all. I blame them for my problems and want to break up with the parts of myself that are so messy and broken.
God is still teaching me how to receive His love. Apparently, I have to let the love of God in for it to be effective. It only transforms and invigorates the places where it reaches. So, when I imprison my weak places and cut them off from the love of God, then they can never grow, heal or change. When I measure out God’s love in accordance with my judgment of my performance, then there are a good many areas in my life where little love is granted because I think that little love has been earned. I can tell where God’s love is reaching because those places are growing and fruitful. But other areas in my heart and mind are more like the desert because the river of God’s love was damned up and not allowed to go there.
Telling my needs that they are stupid and refusing to fill them does not make them go away. It just changes them into deeper chasms of unmet longing with louder demands. Disdaining my fragility does not make it strong, but further burdens what is already weak. Breaking up with the parts of me that I don’t like doesn’t destroy them, but it does destroy me. It keeps me from receiving God’s love and experiencing His power made perfect in my weakness. It prevents me from enjoying who God has made me to be and recognizing His delight in me, even in my brokenness.
I’m still scared, but I plan to reconcile with all the broken off parts of me. I’m asking God for shalom within me.
Still Counting Gifts:
·         #708: A fun double date at Blue Man Group
·         #709: Hamburgers at The Roundhouse
·         #710: My wedding dress!
·         #711: Answered prayers
·         #712: Snow even though I’m longing for spring
·         #713: My mom and how patient she can be when I’m in a stormy state and she’s encouraging me
·         #714: A drive with Karyn
·         #715: Sugar jones cupcakes
·         #716: The emotionally soothing power found in a sugar jones cupcake
·         #717: The terror and joy of knowing and being known
·         #718: Giving and receiving forgiveness
·         #719: A new work computer
·         #720: I still get to go on dates with my parents

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Me at 16, First, take a deep breath and try to relax. You're not receiving this letter because you are bad or in trouble. To the contrary, I'm writing to you because I care about you and I know that it's hard for you to let others be caring toward you. You feel exposed and vulnerable, wondering if the person will stumble across all those imperfections that you work so hard to hide. You feel afraid of how they might judge you if they knew how needy, fragile and broken you actually are behind your put-together facade. I want to let you know that it's not your fault that you are this way. At least, it's not entirely your fault. Your desire to encourage and help other people is a wonderful, God-given part of your personality that influences you to put yourself in the position of helper. And this is an important part of how God has made you because it relates to the high calling that He has placed on your life to partner with Him in restoring people. Being t...
Post a Comment
Read more

Heart Revival

Hey you guys, It's been almost two years since my last post. What?! I know some of you probably forgot that I even used to do this, but I hope that you're as excited as I am that I'm coming back to blogging. It's a new season and God has been stirring up lots of creativity and courage in me recently. I'm happy to tell you all about it. In case you missed it, I became a mom to sweet Elias last summer. In fact, he is about to turn 1 year old on Monday and I can't believe it! Guys, he is absolutely the sweetest, calmest and most delightful baby you can ever imagine and I still tear up sometimes in gratitude when I remember that he is my little boy. One of my life dreams to be a stay-at-home mama has been partially fulfilled in that I only work three days a week during the school year. I work 2 1/2 days at RCS Elementary School and it is an amazing place. Shortly after I got there, they put me in charge of the two chapel services that happen each week. Gu...
1 comment
Read more

3 weeks ago today

I got married three weeks ago today. I’ve been thinking a lot about our wedding since that day. This was my first week back to work, which meant that I got to talk a lot about that day and show pictures, because everything is still fresh and new and people are anxious to know how it went. I have missed writing. Several times during our honeymoon, I almost grabbed my laptop because I had the urge to write. I never did, but I wanted to. I think that it felt too intimate to record in some ways. And, in others, I was just enjoying being lazy and carefree. I plan to write about what I remember from my wedding. (Maybe even some things from our honeymoon. We shall see…) I don’t know what I will share, but I want to make a record of my memories and experiences from that day. Just three weeks later, but the feelings are less vivid and the mental pictures are less crisp. Fortunately, our photographer did an amazing job and I am thankful that I have those images to remind me....
2 comments
Read more