Yes, I actually said that to Ben this week. And, I meant it.
I really do wish I was more than human. I struggle with imperfections and
failures and I can just feel that I was meant to live in Eden. Little did I
know that in fewer than 24 hours after making said statement, I would be crying
and feeling afflicted and betrayed by my incredible neediness.
Any of you who have followed me previously will remember how
hard it is for me to take care of myself. I prefer to deny that I have any
needs at all and to invest all of my time, energy and talent into taking care
of other people. You may also remember that I had never really dated before
Ben. And, I am sure that all of you have noticed that we dated for only about
two months before getting engaged.
Let’s just say that God is using my relationship with Ben in
lots of wonderful ways that encourage my sanctification. Let’s also say it that
has been intensely uncomfortable for me to realize just how sinful I still am
in the context of this intimate relationship. One thing that has been really
hard for me (which also happens to be the thing that blew up this week and had
me crying) is that it’s hard for me to ask for what I need.
The best love languages, as far as I’m concerned, are
quality time, physical touch and words of affirmation. Shortly after we got
engaged, Ben started working 65 hours a week. During the week, he works and
sleeps. There really isn’t time left over. So, we can see each other on
Saturdays and Sundays, but not during the week.
Now I know with my mind that this is not forever and that
this is a really great opportunity for Ben to earn more money so that he can
quit his job sooner and pursue his desire to farm. But, as the quality time and
physical touch disappeared almost completely and the words of affirmation were
severely limited, I started to experience some intensely uncomfortable
feelings. I got really sad and frustrated, but I didn’t want to give myself
permission to own these feelings and take care of them because my brain told me
that I had to accept the plan for this season. I started shutting down
emotionally to cope with the intense discomfort that I was feeling, but found
that a side effect was that I couldn’t connect well with Ben even when we did
have time together. In shutting off my painful feelings, I was shutting off all
of my feelings and allowing apathy to rule in my heart.
Fortunately, God allowed the mountain of uncomfortable
feelings that I had swept under the rug of my heart to explode yesterday
morning. He also blessed me by putting my mom at home at that very moment when
I dissolved into a mess of feelings and lost access to the rational part of my
brain. She encouraged me to be honest with Ben about what was happening with me
and to ask if we could make some changes in our schedule to help me get what I
need so that I could function better. I was convinced that this was impossible,
even after I talked with Ben and he assured me that it was very possible and
necessary, until God impressed on me that I would have to let Him, Ben and
other people take care of me for it to be possible.
God reminded me of that verse in Colossians 3: Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts
(15).
He told me that I had to let myself have needs and to be
cared for. God showed me how I had previously decided not to have needs or ever
have to be taken care of by someone else. These vows were interfering with what
God wanted to do. He gently led me in breaking those vows and repenting. God
poured His love into my heart and gave me the courage to invite Him, Ben and
other safe people to offer me care and help meet my needs.
I am not a super human. Not yet. I hope that I will become
super human once my sanctification is complete and I receive my resurrected body.
But until then, I am committing myself to God’s leadership and I am asking Him
to come and do the work that my heart requires. I am asking Him to meet all of
my needs according to His glorious riches and I am choosing to let Him use
other people to meet those needs, as He desires.
Still Counting Gifts:
·
#694: Soaking time at the R2HOP Burn last
weekend
·
#695: Getting to sing with Mackenzie and Ryan in
the same day
·
#696: Being trusted to help plant seeds at the
farm
·
#697: A sleepover with my dear friend that
reminded me of childhood and whispering in the dark until we fall asleep
·
#698: I haven’t lost my Chicago driving super
powers despite moving back to Rockford
·
#699: Getting a snow day even though I’m not in
school or working at a school anymore
·
#700: Playing in the snow with Karyn, Ava and
Lily
·
#701: A long and deeply satisfying nap
·
#702: Being seized by the urge to write
·
#703: How God provides so richly in the midst of
my great brokenness
·
#704: The way that God makes my choices so
clear: life or death, which will you choose?
·
#705: Ben experienced my first breakdown since
we’ve been together and he did such a great job listening, encouraging, speaking
the truth and praying for me
·
#706: Cooking dinner with my mom
·
#707: Asking for what I need and receiving it;
such an affirming and delightful experience
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