Skip to main content

31Days to Keep a Tender Heart: October 4


My stomach has been hurting since this morning. It’s the kind of hurt that burns constantly and gnaws at my peace.
This is the same kind of stomach ache that I started to have constantly when I was working at the Lycée, when my doctor told me that she could hear the stomach acid traveling upwards instead of staying where it’s supposed to and when she prescribed me a high dose of Nexium. It’s the same pain that would eventually burn through the benefits of that medication and force me to begin counseling because it signaled that my anxiety was out of control.

Through counseling, I discovered that my stomach burning was my body’s way of begging for my attention and my care. It was a safeguard that God had provided to wave the red flag of warning that I have reached my limit, can go no further, need to adjust my plans and expectations and be gentler with myself.
But, I have a very hard time being gentle with myself. In fact, I almost always feel angry when my stomach hurts this way. I feel frustrated that I have limitations, embarrassed that I’m a professional counselor who knows what to do and I still struggle to manage my anxiety well, scared that I’m face to face with one of my imperfections and tired of this whole process of growing and all of the failure that is involved.

Usually, I want to turn my anger inwards and punish myself for not meeting my impossible expectations. I want to run out and buy a huge coffee, drink it down and feel the burn get worse because I’m so mad that it’s there at all. I lecture myself internally about how I really need to respect my own boundaries and stop making such poor choices and how it’s my own fault that I feel the way I do. I think that I deserve to feel that burn and so I just have to deal with the pain.
This is when I really need to lean into God because I have such a hard time with my weaknesses. For a long time, I split my bad parts away from my good parts and hid them away. I thought that if I couldn’t see them, then they would go away. Instead, they turned into a fiery burn in my stomach. I would also run away from God instead of towards Him anytime there was a problem with one of my bad parts. I was afraid that if He had to handle my bad parts, then He definitely wouldn’t want me anymore.

It’s only been since I started running to God when my stomach burns and allowing Him to comfort my heart when it hurts, that I have felt safe enough and brave enough to start looking for those so-called bad parts and to invite them back into fellowship. He brings gentleness and love to these fragile and hurt parts of me and shows me the way to take good care of them. God always reassures me that it’s OK when I mess up because Jesus already paid all my debts. The blood Jesus shed when He died on the cross is all the payment that God requires to free me from my wrongs and to heal my bad parts. He reminds me that He accepts every part of me, that He wants to be the lifter of my head and that He longs to be gracious to me, especially when I don’t want to be gracious to myself.
God is teaching me how to rejoice when my stomach hurts because it means that I’m still imperfect and deeply in need of His love, grace and healing. He is showing me how to lean into Him when I hurt and to ask Him to comfort my heart, heal my body, bring peace to my mind and life to my spirit.

Still counting gifts:

·         #469: A burning stomach

·         #470: The way that God kept reaching out to me all this morning when I was stewing in my anger

·         #471: How good it feels to receive His love and grace for my pain and anger

·         #472: Imperfections that keep me dependent on God

·         #473: I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God’s law, but I trust Christ to save me. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith. Philippians 3:9

·         #474: How God gave me pockets in my schedule today because He knew that I would need time and space

·         #475: Being close to the Rock River House of Prayer so that I can escape there almost anytime that life starts to be too much and I really, really need to meet with God

·         #476: Time to be quiet, to think, to pray, to read, to write and just to be me

·         #477: God’s constant affirmations of His perfect love for me

·         #478: Eager anticipation of movie night with dear Chicago friends tonight

·         #479: Courage to keep sharing all these secret thoughts and feelings with you

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Transition

 It's snowing outside my window. It just started to stick a little bit. I can see it on the trees and covering the leaves. This is the first snow of the season. It means change is coming. Fall coats are no longer be sufficient. Hats, scarves and gloves become a part of my daily wardrobe. My car needs time to warm up and I should fill up with gas when it gets down to 1/4 tank. I really like this time of year. Fall is ending and winter is coming. I like snuggling in front of a fire and wearing sweaters. I like drinking hot chocolate, apple cider and spice tea, in addition to my usual coffee consumption. I like Thanksgiving, the holiday and the practice. While I welcome this change in season, I am so aware of how I am struggling in my own transition. I have spent several hours contacting insurance companies to change my name now that I am doing business as Jody Striker, LCPC. Ben is still collecting our things from the various places where we have been storing them. Th
1 comment
Read more

How do I like being married?

People keep asking me how I like being married. I get it. I’m adjusting to a major life transition. People are excited for me and this is an easy way for them to enter into my joy. They ask this question and I start gushing. I say that I love it. It’s wonderful. Yes, we’re settling in well, there in the basement of my parents house. I may mention that Ben has been hanging things in our room and brought furniture out of storage to make our space more like home. If the conversation lasts long enough and becomes more intimate, I may even tell them that some of my favorite things are when we pray together in the morning and he makes me coffee to help me wake up. I like when we fall asleep with hands and toes just barely touching; in our space, but still nearby. I like calling him my husband and hearing him say that I’m his wife. Being married has been wonderfully different and also surprisingly the same. My life at work, for example, feels exactly like it did before I w
1 comment
Read more

3 weeks ago today

I got married three weeks ago today. I’ve been thinking a lot about our wedding since that day. This was my first week back to work, which meant that I got to talk a lot about that day and show pictures, because everything is still fresh and new and people are anxious to know how it went. I have missed writing. Several times during our honeymoon, I almost grabbed my laptop because I had the urge to write. I never did, but I wanted to. I think that it felt too intimate to record in some ways. And, in others, I was just enjoying being lazy and carefree. I plan to write about what I remember from my wedding. (Maybe even some things from our honeymoon. We shall see…) I don’t know what I will share, but I want to make a record of my memories and experiences from that day. Just three weeks later, but the feelings are less vivid and the mental pictures are less crisp. Fortunately, our photographer did an amazing job and I am thankful that I have those images to remind me.
2 comments
Read more