How do I like being married?

People keep asking me how I like being married.

I get it. I’m adjusting to a major life transition. People are excited for me and this is an easy way for them to enter into my joy. They ask this question and I start gushing.

I say that I love it. It’s wonderful. Yes, we’re settling in well, there in the basement of my parents house. I may mention that Ben has been hanging things in our room and brought furniture out of storage to make our space more like home.

If the conversation lasts long enough and becomes more intimate, I may even tell them that some of my favorite things are when we pray together in the morning and he makes me coffee to help me wake up. I like when we fall asleep with hands and toes just barely touching; in our space, but still nearby. I like calling him my husband and hearing him say that I’m his wife.

Being married has been wonderfully different and also surprisingly the same. My life at work, for example, feels exactly like it did before I was married. I can get so distracted there that I forget about Ben entirely. We have had several days this week where we had completely separate schedules and only saw each other in the morning and at bedtime. I almost feel single again in those moments.

My insecurities have not changed either. I’m still somewhat stunned that this amazing man chose to commit the rest of his life to me. Having his love and last name has not changed the way that I struggle to believe what God says is true about me. In some ways, being married to Ben just further exposes the same weaknesses that I have had all along. And Ben can’t fix them, as much as he wants to and starts talking about crawling into my head to kill the accusing voice that taunts and judges me.

One thing that is different and helpful as I face my insecurities in the context of marriage is the way that God will come shining out of my husband with truth and love. I experience glimpses of God in the way that Ben looks at me and how he treats me, especially in my weakness. I feel a gentleness and acceptance that invite me out of my defensive and scared posture. Ben is wise and has good ideas about how I can change my thinking, but invariably the most helpful and supportive thing that he does in those moments is to pray for me. He ushers me into session with the Wonderful Counselor who heals my hurts and makes me whole.

Whether or not you believe this, I still have deep fears that I am wrestling through. I have told God that I want to be ruled by love, not fear. I have invited Him to set me free and to use whatever process He deems best. I’m not sure what He will choose, but I am confident that my new husband is an important part of His plan. 

Still Counting all of God's good gifts to me:

• #878: I saw 29 clients last week and this is the most that I have seen in one week since I changed offices
• #879: I discovered just how relaxing and delightful a facial is
• #880: Singing with Ben 
• #881: Going out for breakfast spontaneously
• #882: That I was not seriously hurt when I made the poor decision to stand on the toilet seat to adjust the shower head and ended up tearing down the curtain and falling into the shower after the toilet seat broke (I'm sure it would have been hilarious to see, but alas, I was all by myself.)
• #883: Sister visits
• #884: Cookies and Cream ice cream
• #885: Doc Martin marathon's
• #886: Dinner and catching up with a friend
• #887: Ben's birthday
• #888: A weekend in Chicago