Skip to main content

Being ruled by love

If you have read my blog before, then you may have already guessed that I struggle with fear and control. In fact, I have wrestled with them for most of my life. Sometimes, I get discouraged because they still have power over me.

Recently, I reached a new level of frustration with them and decided that I was done. I'm done ruminating over what people think, fearing rejection and judgment and trying to control every single aspect of my life in order to protect myself from what I fear. So, I prayed one of those desperate and risky prayers:

God, I want to be ruled by your love, not fear and control. I give you my permission to do whatever it takes to set me free from fear and control. Even if I have to endure difficult circumstances or emotional pain, I don't want to live this way anymore!

Now, I prayed this with a sober mind. I understood that I was inviting God to mess with my life. But, I can't stand feeling this way anymore.

But, what happened next has been even more surprising. God has started to wage war on fear and control in me by interfering with me having my way. These small attacks on my comfort and preferences have produced amazingly big offense.

I was so mad that I didn't think I could even say good-night to Ben last night. And, it was because of laundry. Yes, laundry. Who freaks out about laundry? Me. I do that.

Now, he had taken 2 loads of clean clothes and jammed them all back into the hamper to cart downstairs and then left it there, in the middle of our living room. But, the anger that I felt over this action was out of proportion to the offense. And, I felt strongly compelled to take control of that situation by marching that hamper right back upstairs, emptying that laundry back into the dryer to be air fluffed and then folding every piece neatly in a separate basket. Even though it was late, I was exhausted and Ben had already offered to repair the laundry offense today, I insisted that I could not accept any option other than the one I was pursuing.

As I stood in that laundry room, I realized that I was not being ruled by love, but by control. I'm not sure exactly what fear I was trying to manage in that moment.

But, there was probably some should shouting in my mind that clean laundry should always be folded and put away. I think there may have been some judgment and rejection toward people like myself who would even think about leaving clean laundry crammed into a hamper overnight. I know that there was offense against my husband for doing such a terrible thing to me.

I wish that I would have accepted his sincere apology, allowed him to fix the laundry problem today and received the love that he was extending to me in that moment. But, I'm even more glad that God is answering my prayers and challenging fear and control in my life.

Even if it means that my way and preferences will be offended.

Still Counting Gifts:

  • #889: my 10 year college reunion
  • #890: seeing old friends
  • #891: my husband is generous and patient
  • #892: pumpkin whoopie pies with cream cheese frosting
  • #893: a huge tree with beautiful yellow leaves outside my window
  • #894: an old record player that is new to us
  • #895: the satisfaction of reconciliation after conflict

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Back to School

Well, after four years away from school counseling, I have decided to return. Yes, I'm keeping my private practice in counseling. I will be reducing the number of clients that I see on a weekly basis in order to work 20 hours a week as a school counselor at Rockford Christian Elementary School. This comes in the midst of conversations that I have been having with God about desire. In fact, pursuing this position kind of started those conversations. My good friend Mackenzie, who works in the business office at RCS, told me about the position innocently enough. She wanted me to have the information about the position in case I had any counselor friends who might be interested in applying. What neither she nor I could have known, was how desire would stir in my heart as soon as she started to describe it to me. There are things that I have come to absolutely love in private practice counseling. I love being my own boss, setting my own hours and having complete freedom over...

When Creative Desire Stirs

The past 3 months have felt crazy. And during all these months of crazy, busy activity in my life, desire has been stirring in the background of my heart. I read things that other people write and feel myself come alive. I talk with people and hear things that God is speaking and want to write them down and share. I listen to music, sing to the Lord and long to create something that will help other people to connect with God in worship. It has been over two months since I touched our piano. Or any piano, for that matter. This is also my first blog post in almost 3 months. Crazy months, yes. But, 3 months all the same. I feel sad about these things. And scared to start again. What if I have lost everything that I had developed? But even fear of the possible frustration of starting again has not been able to change my desire. My desire has only been stirring and growing all this time. My desire is to resume creating. With piano. With words. This is week 9 of my training for t...

31 Days to Keep a Tender Heart: October 18

  Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. I Thessalonians 5:16-18 Ann Voskamp quoted this passage in her blog recently. Then, I read it in my one-year Bible for October 12. Seeing it twice within a week caught my attention. Verse 16 is: Always be joyful. This sounds like a command to me and I don’t think God would command us to do something we can’t do. If He tells me to always be joyful, then I believe that it is always possible for me to be joyful and that this is what God desires for me. Verse 17 is: Keep on praying. I hear another command. And, it follows the first one, which I understand to mean that prayer is related to being joyful. The joy provokes the prayer; the prayer sustains the joy, or both. Either way, I like how God has placed these two directives right next to each other. Verse 18: No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for ...