Skip to main content

Being ruled by love

If you have read my blog before, then you may have already guessed that I struggle with fear and control. In fact, I have wrestled with them for most of my life. Sometimes, I get discouraged because they still have power over me.

Recently, I reached a new level of frustration with them and decided that I was done. I'm done ruminating over what people think, fearing rejection and judgment and trying to control every single aspect of my life in order to protect myself from what I fear. So, I prayed one of those desperate and risky prayers:

God, I want to be ruled by your love, not fear and control. I give you my permission to do whatever it takes to set me free from fear and control. Even if I have to endure difficult circumstances or emotional pain, I don't want to live this way anymore!

Now, I prayed this with a sober mind. I understood that I was inviting God to mess with my life. But, I can't stand feeling this way anymore.

But, what happened next has been even more surprising. God has started to wage war on fear and control in me by interfering with me having my way. These small attacks on my comfort and preferences have produced amazingly big offense.

I was so mad that I didn't think I could even say good-night to Ben last night. And, it was because of laundry. Yes, laundry. Who freaks out about laundry? Me. I do that.

Now, he had taken 2 loads of clean clothes and jammed them all back into the hamper to cart downstairs and then left it there, in the middle of our living room. But, the anger that I felt over this action was out of proportion to the offense. And, I felt strongly compelled to take control of that situation by marching that hamper right back upstairs, emptying that laundry back into the dryer to be air fluffed and then folding every piece neatly in a separate basket. Even though it was late, I was exhausted and Ben had already offered to repair the laundry offense today, I insisted that I could not accept any option other than the one I was pursuing.

As I stood in that laundry room, I realized that I was not being ruled by love, but by control. I'm not sure exactly what fear I was trying to manage in that moment.

But, there was probably some should shouting in my mind that clean laundry should always be folded and put away. I think there may have been some judgment and rejection toward people like myself who would even think about leaving clean laundry crammed into a hamper overnight. I know that there was offense against my husband for doing such a terrible thing to me.

I wish that I would have accepted his sincere apology, allowed him to fix the laundry problem today and received the love that he was extending to me in that moment. But, I'm even more glad that God is answering my prayers and challenging fear and control in my life.

Even if it means that my way and preferences will be offended.

Still Counting Gifts:

  • #889: my 10 year college reunion
  • #890: seeing old friends
  • #891: my husband is generous and patient
  • #892: pumpkin whoopie pies with cream cheese frosting
  • #893: a huge tree with beautiful yellow leaves outside my window
  • #894: an old record player that is new to us
  • #895: the satisfaction of reconciliation after conflict


Popular posts from this blog

Heart Revival

Hey you guys,

It's been almost two years since my last post. What?!

I know some of you probably forgot that I even used to do this, but I hope that you're as excited as I am that I'm coming back to blogging. It's a new season and God has been stirring up lots of creativity and courage in me recently. I'm happy to tell you all about it.

In case you missed it, I became a mom to sweet Elias last summer. In fact, he is about to turn 1 year old on Monday and I can't believe it! Guys, he is absolutely the sweetest, calmest and most delightful baby you can ever imagine and I still tear up sometimes in gratitude when I remember that he is my little boy.

One of my life dreams to be a stay-at-home mama has been partially fulfilled in that I only work three days a week during the school year. I work 2 1/2 days at RCS Elementary School and it is an amazing place. Shortly after I got there, they put me in charge of the two chapel services that happen each week. Guess what? …

What do I fix my eyes on?

Do you ever notice themes popping up in your daily life and wonder if God is saying something?

You read something that stands out to you and then you hear a song reinforcing the same message. You find this topic coming up in conversations throughout the day. Maybe you even see it appearing in your newsfeed on social media. Your heart moves a little bit every time you see or hear this theme.

This has been happening to me this week. The theme is actually a question: What are your eyes fixed on?

I'm preparing to lead See You At The Pole at my school tomorrow and the theme is Fix Your Eyes. It comes from Hebrews 12:2 which encourages us to fix our eyes on Jesus and follow his example in how we handle difficulties and suffering.

Then, I read this amazing blog post this morning by Sharon Hodde Miller about how being a people-pleaser and addicted to approval ultimately causes you to become completely self-focused. (Check out When the Self-Help Gospel Isn't Helping You Anymore on www…

My Arbonne Story - A journey of discovery

You guys, drum roll, please... I have become an Independent Consultant with Arbonne!

This is a big change for me and I am SO, so excited for this opportunity. But, no one seems to be as surprised as I am by this development. Most of the people that I have told have said something like, "That makes sense." Or, "I can see you doing that."This has gotten me reflecting on what has been emerging in me that is facilitating this transition. And, how does what seems like such a discovery to me seem so logical to everyone else?!

I have been an Arbonne groupie for several years now. I absolutely love their product! Every time they come out with something new and I get to try it, I end up wanting it. I have hosted several parties and I have thoroughly enjoyed introducing other people to all of the amazing products that I have been enjoying, but I never considered becoming a consultant.
Recently, something shifted for me. I was at a party and I felt really stirred when Nikki …