I have been feeling ridiculously blessed in the past week. I actually broke down when I was talking with my sister one night because it felt unfair that God is blessing me so extravagantly while other people I know and love are hard at work counting blessings because they are tempted to think that they aren't really receiving any at all. One of the things that I love about counting blessings is that it helps each of us to recognize just how blessed we really are. But, it is still painful when certain people seem to have everything come so easily to them and I think that I am continually going without. It's also hard when I have identified myself an unfairly unblessed person for so long and only recently, I have been trying to make the change to seeing myself as richly blessed. It feels awkward and scary.
While it's true that my biggest unanswered prayer of finding a godly man to share my life with still hasn't been fulfilled, I have become that person who has things coming easily to them in all these other areas of my life. My career, which I didn't care about for the longest time, because I just wanted to be a wife and mother, is really developing now. And, I have discovered that I am hugely blessed because I love it and I'm really good at it. And, I never even asked God for these blessings and He has given them to me anyways. Lots of people have started complimenting my work and my business is becoming profitable and I feel really weird about it. And, I feel embarrassed because I am receiving all of these good things and some others aren't. They are receiving different blessings, but I feel afraid that they may feel jealous of my blessings and that this could hurt our relationship. I feel sad because I want everyone that I know and love to feel as richly blessed by God and I know that some people are actively struggling to get there.
I am afraid that people may think that I am doing something right and they are doing something wrong when the truth is that none of us deserve anything good, ever. We all deserve death. It is only because of God's unfailing love for us that we receive anything else. It is only because of His infinite goodness that we receive good and perfect gifts. Sometimes, we feel unfairly deprived by God. I think that it's really important to count gifts then to remind us that we are still blessed indeed. We may not be receiving the gifts that we desire most and ask about most frequently, but we are receiving many other valuable gifts on daily basis. Other times, we feel unfairly blessed by God, as I have recently. I think that it's really important to count these gifts too to remind myself and others that these gifts are the grace of God, not the product of our works.
With that said, here are the rest of my July gifts:
July 26: 3 gifts fresh
- #203: When my mom texted me to ask if I had ordered a Nespresso machine because a huge box had just arrived at the house and I realized that someone had sent me an incredible birthday surprise
- #204: The basil, mozzarella and tomato on my salad at dinner
- #205: Conversation with a good friend that I haven't seen in a long time
July 27: A gift on vacation, at home, in relaxation
- #206: Sleeping and waking in a magnificent bedroom overlooking Michigan Ave
- #207: Making coffee for my entire family with my new Nespresso machine
- #208: Breathing deeply at the end of the day as I enjoy worshipping God at the HOP
July 28: 3 gifts of beginnings
- #209: Waking up to enjoy extended quality time with my sister!
- #210: Using a new coffee cup for the very first time
- #211: A new routine of settling down at the end of the day by watching the Olympics
July 29: 3 gifts together
- #212: Teaming up with my parents to set up a new tent
- #213: Connecting four tubes with arms and feet so that we can all look at each other as we float down the lazy river
- #214: Time with the community of worship leaders at the HOP to share our hearts and vision
July 30: 3 gifts heard
- #215: 3 clients told me that they had referred me to someone that they know
- #216: A friend told me that I looked beautiful and I believed her
- #217: God's love song over me
July 31: 3 gifts difficult
- #218: Being at work for 12 hours straight
- #219: That I desire to fight for my thoughts to honor God and for my imagination to stay pure
- #220: My tender heart that is so easily affected by people and situations